Hello guys! i am 25 year old struggling with gay urges, thoughts, fantasies... i am happily in a relationship with my girl for 2 years now, and i love her really much sex is amazing! its confusing for me cause i didn't have a single gay thought for 2 years... and now the cravings are getting stronger, its really confusing cause those urges and cravings to have fantasies and watch gay porn trigger when i see a really hot girl, like i would be walking down the street and see a girl in a mini skirt and heels, and i would think to myself wow shes shot, and immediately triggers the thoughts of penis, muscles, having gay sex.. its like women trigger my gay urges... its not always but it happens really often now.. even straight porn triggers it.. if i think the porn is really REALLY hot i start to fantasize i am the women and doing all those sexy things with a guy.. at first i am like ew no i want women! and as time slowly passes the thought of men start to feel really good!... and it ends in me orgsaming and thinking to myself i need to stop i have a gf i don't need these fantasies i have great sex with my woman.. this is what bothers me... and i think i am not actually gay.. i just reprogrammed myself...
cause for a really long time i had a fetish of being turned gay i mean since i was 14 i liked boys calling me gay and slapping my ass grabbing me tight and not letting me go... it turned me on secretly, but i always acted angry but i only had crushes on women and masterbated to women 95% of the time..the thing is everytime i orgsamed i was straight 100%.. so everytime i was in a gay mode i would edge... and edge... to gay porn i mean even sometimes i would edge for 5 hours, i had nothing to do.. and when i was horny i would just watch... and fantasize and edge.... until i bursted from pleasure.... i was always bullied and even my friends and family called me gay always... just the way i walk and talk... i had no father... and the thought of big masculant man bending me over and taking away my musclalanity really turned me on... in the real world i would have only crushed on girls i would not find men attractive i think it all started with me being always rejected by girls, no female friends, made fun off... but as my addiction grew so did it evolve into phone sex, cam sex, posting nude pictures and videos of me on gay sites, i would love to crossdress.. like when i posted a video of myself using a dildo on myself and see all these men having arousing thoughts and finding me really hot, it just feed my addiction and i did it more..started looking to find online a man to have my first sexual experiance, the thing is every time i was online about 10 men would message me asking me if i want sex.. and i was only online for few minutes and that would turn me on really much... but everytime we set up a meeting i chicken out....that would be going on for years, until i finally was really horny and was in chastity so i could not orgsam before the meeting.. well yeah i gave a guy blowjob in the car and he penetreted me.. but i begged him not to touch my penis that was the rule... cause i knew if i came while having sex with him i would want to run and i would find him ugly etc... while i was giving him blowjob, my mind was going crazy... like this is the best thing in the world i want this forever... etc.. same as sex.. when he was done.. i just went home and soon as i got home i didnt even orgsam. but i guess realization hit me i was like wtf have i done... i let a guy use me like a whore and i liked it... and after that i started to have rarely gay cravings and then i meet my love and it stopped for 2 years.... but now the urges, cravings, fantasies are back... and i can't control them... the thing is i would not mind the fantasies and cravings.. but the thing i did few weeks ago i just cant forgive myself... i was really horny an i guess i wanted to check my gay profile on whats new... and soon as opened people where messiging me, at first i was like "ewww i am just checking something i dont want to flirt with guys that would be cheating to my gf" but then a really hot guy messiged me and i was like "maybe i should just chat with him" and we chated it turned sexual i told him how badly i want him he told me how badly he wants me.. and in my mind "maybe it would be not so bad to cheat just 1 time with this guy he is just sooo hot i need him badly!" thats what even he said that she does not need to find out.. and when he set up a meeting i could not contain myself and orgsamed before i left my house... and quickly exited and deleted my profile and was really ashemed... i could not believe i was going to cheat on my gf.. i was lucky cause if i didnt orgsam and if he was across the street o would had sex with him 100%... that is my problem i would need some advice please..
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